You have to put in what you want to get out. For me, right now, that means kneehab.
I only feel like my true self when I'm actively moving through the world, be it on skis, two wheels or just my feet. So, after tearing my ACL and meniscus in the fall, I had to figure out how I was going to get through the next 6-8 months before I could be 'me' again. Hard stuff. So hard, in fact, that I stopped writing, reaching out to friends or really doing much other than feel sorry for myself. And even that, I tried really hard not to share with the people that are in my daily circle. Outwardly, I tried to put on brave face with a smile and say that it was 'a process' and that I 'was trying to be patient'. Such crap. Really, I just stopped doing the work.
I stopped doing everything except the bare minimum. Even in Physiotherapy, I was doing just enough. And I know how important that part of the work is to getting back to 'me'! So I caved a bit and decided to give myself a present for Christmas. I would go to Washington, DC and raise my voice during the Women's March on Washington. I just wanted to be heard. I wanted to show myself that I could still be involved in the world. So, I went to march on Washington in the biggest and most empowered group I have ever been a part of. We walked in a sea of pink, strong words raised above our heads, and the power of love coming from our hearts. I realized how connected we all are, and that helped me connect back to me. I am a strong woman, not just my body, but my heart, my mind, and my voice.
That's me under there! Copper Mountain, CO 2010
I turned a corner in kneehab as well. I got off my butt, got into the gym more and am slowly rebuilding my muscles. Even though I don't get to experience any of the deep storm cycles that have been pounding my favorite mountains and filling in lines I've been dreaming of for years, I am OK with that. Being in the mountains is what I love to do in my wild life, but it doesn't define me. I'm more than that. Don't get me wrong, I miss the snow and pillow lines and the surfy perfection of a tele turn in bottomless pow. But all of that FOMO is just making me stronger and demanding that I put that much more work in to getting back to where I was, and then blowing by it while riding a unicorn and touching the stars made of snowflakes!
Deep thought Mount Rainier National Park, WA 2008
I can't say that I've totally pulled myself out of this hole yet, but I have started to climb out. I'm sure it helps that I am hiking, biking and spending time outside with my dog and my people. But, I feel like it's deeper than that. I took a moment to open myself to the world when I went to the Women's March, and in that time, something snuck in when I was looking the other way. A new seed seems to be sprouting. I find myself reaching out to new people, groups and companies I barely know, trying to connect. I feel different, but I still feel like me. And I hope it continues. I read recently that if you want someone to see what you're working on, you have to actually let it out into the world. So, time to put it out there, whatever 'it' is.